What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 02:29
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
When she asked me how she looked .
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Non est eum facere impedit aut dignissimos tempora.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was seconnd youngest,
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Comes on , in middle age.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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What did i know ?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I will be 64.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She loved him until the end.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I don,t even have a pension.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We all went to grammer schools
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I think the readers, may guess!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Ive learnt so much.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But it wasn’t much.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It was going to be , some day.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I have no regrets .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
This is soul school!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was scared of men, in general
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She married twice! .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Who then, do I blame.?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
All the time i was locked up.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We were not on the streets..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He knew the spot.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Would this be the day?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I write beautiful poetry .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And i lived it daily.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was 9 years of age.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was in good health!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My family never makes their pension either.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She wouldn,t have been !
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One cannot live in the past .
I never cut or harmed myself..
But, we were locked up after school.
I said to her
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I waited trembling.
Im still living with it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So whats the point in blame.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i do to all so called friends.?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Especially a lifetime of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
(And it was in our own minds.)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was very sick at this time too.
She found it foreign!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Put me off passion for life!!
My life is so biszare .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So, i spoilt her more .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!